butterflies

      I paced the room a few times I could feel all of these emotions coming to me at once.  I felt so sick to my stomach, and I was trying so hard to put on a brave face.  I knew 9 am was coming and I needed to call the doctors office. We packed up our things and loaded the car.  I think I took two showers that morning, still not sure why.  I could feel myself on the verge of collapsing every minute it got closer to 9. I couldn't bring myself to call the doctor, he had to do it for me.  I tried to overhear the conversation, part of me still holding on to the hope that it was all a bad dream.

      We got in the car and made the drive to the hospital, it felt like it took forever to get there.  Once we got inside and walked to the admissions counter I stopped.  I couldn't do it, I couldn't stop the tears, I couldn't admit what I was here for.  My husband told them our name and that they should be expecting us.
        Once we got back to triage we thought it wouldn't be long before they took us up.  We ended up spending six hours in the little triage room.  Nothing to do but be alone with our thoughts while we wait for what's to come.  Every hour or so someone would enter our room and explain what the process was going to be, nurses, doctors, social workers, and chaplains each took their time explaining, praying, and consoling us the best way they could.

    We noticed that we would become comfortable after spending several hours in one place. The tiny traige room became a place of comfort for us. The minute hand seemed to glide around the clock as though time was fluid. I remember thinking is there still time to change the outcome, I was still clinging to hope that the diagnosis was wrong. Around 3pm they came for us. It was time to go to the ninth floor.

      When we arrived at our room I saw a butterfly taped to our door, the same butterfly that was on our triage room door. I remember looking across the hall and seeing a butterfly on another door. I now knew what it meant. They were meant for the babies who had passed already. Once in the room I got into my bed and sobbed realizing this was the final place, this was the final room I would be transfered to, this is where it would all happen.

       Tina, our nurse, came in the room her face was filled with sympathy for us.  She was gentle and calm as she asked all of the questions she needed to ask.  Some of the questions were so hard to answer. I filled out the paperwork and they began the process of inducing my labor.  It took a couple hours but the contractions began to come.  Every hour or so they would ask me if I wanted pain medication, and I would refuse because I wanted to be there for my husband I wanted to be present for him.  It was a long night as the contraction grew stronger and came closer together.  He curled up with me in my hospital bed and we tried to get what little sleep we could.

      Morning came to soon and I remember thinking today is the day.  This is also my Aunts birthday.  She passed away 4 years ago and this day was already hard for my family.   Labor continued to intensify and the nurses kept asking if they could check me, I told them no every time.  I said when I feel like I need to push I will know it's time.

     My parents arrived at the hospital that afternoon and it was a welcomed comfort to have them there with us.  At this point my labor was very painful and my family insisted I took something for relief.  I finally agreed since I knew he wouldn't be alone now with my family here.  I remember looking at my mom and she looked so sad.  She was trying so hard to put on a brave face for me but I know that face. It's the face of a mother who would give anything to put themselves in their childs place. The night seemed to drag on as the pain became worse. At some point my grandparents had come to see me and I could feel their pain for me. I wasn't very alert at the time but I knew they were there.  By 9pm my labor was so intense I was sure it wouldn't be much longer.

      At 10:27 pm with one push I delivered my son.  I  cried "He's out."  I knew they knew this but I had to say it just to affirm the reality that it was over.  They quickly left the room and returned about 15 minutes later with him. They had wrapped him in the blanket my mother had began to knit for him.  It was the perfect size to hold his tiny body. "It's a boy." he handed him to me and I couldn't believe how much he looked like both of my other children.  I took all of him in.  Perfect rosebud lips and tiny little features. I placed his tiny hand on my pinky finger and tried to hold back the tears that I could feel coming. I smelled his skin and kissed his forehead.  He is my son.  I  held him as I would have held any of my other children but I knew I had to give this one back. I didn't want to let go, and I didn't want to believe this was real. We kept him with us for a little over an hour and then asked the nurse to come get him.  I finally had succumb to exhaustion and fell asleep. I held him all night in my dreams. He is my angel and I knew he was complete and safe in heaven.