in the darkness I'm found by faith

          


            I could tell you that I don't think to much about why this happened to me.  I could tell you that my faith surpasses all understanding.  I could tell you that I looked up at the sky and thanked God for sparing my son the pain of this world.  I could tell you that I have full trust in the Lord that it was all for a reason.  I could tell you that I know I will see my son again someday.  I could tell you that I believe everything happens for a reason.  I could tell you that I believe all of these things to be true, but I don't. At least no quite so simply put, not as neat as that.  Not as simple as it sounds.

              I woke to the sound of a baby crying.  I looked around trying to focus my eyes and wake myself enough to get out of bed.  I put one foot over the side of the bed and stopped.  My mind finally caught up with my body, it was a dream.  There was no baby crying, it was a dream.  My reality was more of a nightmare.

             I remember the first few months after bringing home my other children from the hospital.  I was sleep deprived as most mothers are, but there was something magical about being the only two awake bonding over mid-night feedings.  I would watch them until they fell asleep and move them to the bassinet just staring at my tiny miracles.  God had blessed me with two beautiful children.  And then a third, my precious Nathan.  He was an unexpected surprise, but we were excited none the less.  I called my husband at work and told him the news.  We progressed through the first few weeks thinking of things like bigger cars and a bigger house, college tuition for another child.  Then onto the more relevant things like cribs, car seats, strollers, and diapers.  We relished in the thoughts of what our baby would be like.  Would we have another boy or another girl?  Who would they look like?  What would their personality be like?  Would they love God the way we do?  Would they trust His plan for their life?

           This pregnancy was much different from the other ones.  I know all pregnancies are different but it was as though I knew something deep down in my soul that would take many months to discover. The first kick was the most cherished memory I had of him, that was until the last kick I would ever feel came.  The pregnancy seemed to fly by, I was half way through when I had a routine appointment and they told me everything was fine.  I heard his heartbeat, saw him on the ultrasound and my heart smiled.  My beautiful baby was growing so fast and soon he'll be in my arms.  What little did I know is that would be the last time I would see my baby boy alive.  The next couple days I felt his movements decrease, then on Monday I knew something was wrong.  I went to the doctor the following day and heard the words that still clutch my heart and steal my breath.  There were no words.  He was gone.  All of my dreams for him died in that moment.  I could feel the anger surge through my veins and my faith slowly escaping with each breath I exhaled.  I had felt alone and abandoned.  Did God turn His back on me?

             It was midnight and I was lying in bed by myself.  My husband had fallen asleep on the couch and I chose not to wake him.  I wanted to be alone.  Sometimes I hide in my angry place. A place were I get comfort from my sadness and anger.  A place that keeps God at a distance.  A place were hope can't get in.  I am angry in this place, but only for a while.  I yell at Him I tell Him that this is unfair, I tell Him that I  don't deserve this.  I ask Him why has He forsaken me?  I scream, louder and louder "Why have You forsaken me?"  Then He grabs me.  He lets me rest in Him.  He lets me weep.  He holds me tighter than I had ever felt Him hold me.  I yell and He holds me.  Why do I deserve such love?  I am broken by sin and glued together with His mercy.  I live in a fallen world, and He catches me before I hit the ground.  I have questioned His purpose and He paints me a rainbow.  I have yelled at him for what he has taken from me.  But He continues to give me more, so much more. Nathan is His, not mine.  He was a gift.  A gift I had to return to soon.

            It is easy to struggle with faith following something so tragic.  It is easy to be angry at God.  It is easy to feel alone and abandoned.  It is hard to know that it is out of your control.  I have to trust in Him. I have to lean on Him.  I have to get through this with Him.  I don't know any other way. So.....

            I can tell you that I have faith , I don't always understand how.  I can tell you that I know He has a plan. I don't know what it is yet.  I can tell you that I am thankful my son is in the arms of Jesus, I didn't want to let him go.  I can tell you that I still don't understand the reason, but I do understand His purpose.
I can tell you He loves Nathan and He loves me and I will see them face to face.  I can tell you that when I'm in my dark place, He finds me by faith.

So go forth with unwavering faith He will catch you when you stumble, and He will find you in the dark.  There is no place to dark that you can't be found by His light.  Trust, pray, love faithfully even when it hurts, even when your angry.  He will hold you.