weary

.


       Why do we fret over the unknown?  Is there some unwritten law that says once you've suffered something as unspeakable as the death of a child nothing is ever supposed to feel safe again?  Why is it that I can trust God with just about everything else but when it comes to the health and well-being of my loved ones I lose all hope?

        I have spent the last several weeks digesting what has been happening with everything from anxiety to full fledged panic as my mainstay emotions.  I have not felt one ounce of peace and I can't help but feel somehow I have distanced myself from Him.  I choose worry over faith.  I choose panic over peace.  I do this not because I want to feel these emotions but because they somehow give me a false sense of control over the situation.  I have begged, pleaded and cried for peace to wash over me but I feel it wont happen until I'm willing to let go of control.  The last two weeks have been racked with such intense emotions.  I may be worrying for nothing but the waiting has given my mind time to wander every possible outcome this pregnancy could have.  I have seen when things don't go right.  I have read other moms stories of what can happen, and I have seen tragedy strike a family more than once.  I am no longer naive to how horribly wrong this could all go.  If you had told me a year ago that this would be my reality I would have said; "not me, things like that don't happen to me" Not that I felt immune to such awful things but that in my mind it was so rare.  And in fact the way Nathan died was rare.  I am learning more and more that no one is immune, and just because you've been through the fire once doesn't mean you cant go through it again.

        I can't seem to gather or rationalize a single one of my thoughts.  Somedays I feel as though my head could spin right off my shoulders.  I want more than anything to feel like I'm normal and not like
I'm on my way to a little white room with padded walls.  I feel like I could just scream from all the thoughts running around freely in my head.  Is this my new normal?  Is this the reality of the rest of my life?  Will I always feel this out of control of my thoughts?

      This journey of grief has been a long, painful, and at times a very lonely road.  I have taken a few detours here and there but for the most part I am still very much on the path I began eight months ago.  There are days where I look up to see if God is holding His hand out for me, but instead I see a dark night sky reaching down to swallow me in hopelessness.  There are days when I press forward that I get a glimpse of light shining through the branches that cover me on this path.  It is on those days when I can raise my chin up and shut the thoughts out if only for a moment.  I haven't seen one of those days in a very long time and I'm growing quite weary on my journey.  Hope seems fleeting the more I press forward.  Somedays I wonder why I'm even moving at all.  I suppose I do it for the hope that one day I will reach a clearing in the path and the light, His light, will shine down on me.