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There are days like today when I am hard pressed to find adequate words for what I'm feeling, so I come here; I type out words on a keyboard to try to form emotion.  I was coming to the realization that it has been almost two years, and yet I couldn't understand where or how time has passed so quickly.  You see a part of me is stuck in that day. Life kept going on, but as for me; I was just going through the motions never really moving forward. Everyone thought it was sad, then they moved on and suddenly I was alone.  I have this beautiful family and I'm doing what I love and yet a huge piece of me, of us, is missing.  I wondered how I could possibly be sad or depressed having all I've been blessed with, and yet day after day I fell deeper into the sadness.  Suddenly the car I drive, the house I live in, the clothes I wear, the things I have don't matter at all because really I would give it all away in a heart beat to have him here. To have my complete family.
That's what life is about anyways, isn't it?  Family. The relationships we build, and sometimes destroy usually over something petty because we aren't big enough to own our emotions or live up to our responsibilities to one another.  We blame our upbringing or others on who we are and what we have become, and while I believe life experiences shape who we become they do not define who we are.  I could be bitter and resentful because I know what it feels like to hold a dead child. I know what it feels like to want to shake that child alive to want to shake yourself awake, to want to scream so loud and nothing.comes.out.
I suppose as long as we live in this world, full of sadness and disappointments, broken promises, and broken lives, we'll  never know true happiness. There are glimpses of it for me usually in my children's laughter, my husbands embrace, a sweet note from a dear friend, or someone saying his name.  Nathan. 
These are the things that get me through the days where life doesn't make any sense.  Where God seems just out of reach; where I let my life experiences speak for me.  I want to stand up and say, there must be something more.  More than just I had a son who died and it was sad.  I want his life to matter.  I want my life to matter.  I have known brokenness my whole life, I won't let it leave me empty.  I will choose to press forward, honoring my son, loving my family, and forgiving what isn't mine to be unforgiving of. I want to leave this world a better place because of him.