I have a "coping" problem

Therapy.....

Some people avoid it like the plague, others embrace it fully, and some take time learning to love it.   I am one of those that after years of therapy trying to avoid it would be like trying to avoid the knee-jerk reaction that happens when one of my children are screaming in another room just out of my line of sight.  It is impossible for me to not go running into their direction to see if I need to rescue them or explain to them that screaming isn't the only way to deal with their conflict.  (mostly because it sends me into panic mode, thinking about where the insurance card is and wether I will be able to drive or need to call an ambulance.)  I am one of those that always assumes the worst, and only a handful of times I've actually been right.


In the beginning I went into therapy with the mindset that this was not for me and only really desperate people go to therapy.  I certainly was not desperate, nor did I think that I needed anyone to tell me that there was something wrong with me.  I was quite matter-of-fact about my life and didn't batt an eye at any of it.  I sure thought I was showing I was tough enough to "handle" this life all on my own.  It's funny to me now that I ever thought I could do any of this on my own.  I was quite certain that this was a waste of time and money because you see I'm really good at suppressing my emotions, I had a "coping" skill and didn't really see the need in learning a new one.  HA!  There are several things wrong with these statements; there is no such thing as doing a good job suppressing.  I had been lying to myself, convinced that it was in fact a good thing to bury my emotions.  That I was dealing with them by putting them away.  The other side of that is that coping is rarely a skill that one should think of as positive.  Here is a list of coping mechanisms, you don't have to read them all to get the point:

Here is a full list of coping mechanisms:

• Acting out: not coping - giving in to the pressure to misbehave.
• Aim inhibition: lowering sights to what seems more achievable.
• Altruism: Helping others to help self.
• Attack: trying to beat down that which is threatening you.
• Avoidance: mentally or physically avoiding something that causes distress.
• Compartmentalization: separating conflicting thoughts into separated compartments.
• Compensation: making up for a weakness in one area by gain strength in another.
• Conversion: subconscious conversion of stress into physical symptoms.
• Denial: refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred.
• Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target.
• Dissociation: separating oneself from parts of your life.
• Emotionality: Outbursts and extreme emotion.
• Fantasy: escaping reality into a world of possibility.
• Help-rejecting complaining: Ask for help then reject it.
• Idealization: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired.
• Identification: copying others to take on their characteristics.
• Intellectualization: avoiding emotion by focusing on facts and logic.
• Introjection: Bringing things from the outer world into the inner world.
• Passive aggression: avoiding refusal by passive avoidance.
• Performing rituals: Patterns that delay.
• Projection: seeing your own unwanted feelings in other people.
• Provocation: Get others to act so you can retaliate.
• Rationalization: creating logical reasons for bad behavior.
• Reaction Formation: avoiding something by taking a polar opposite position.
• Regression: returning to a child state to avoid problems.
• Repression: subconsciously hiding uncomfortable thoughts.
• Self-harming: physically damaging the body.
• Somatization: psychological problems turned into physical symptoms.
• Sublimation: channeling psychic energy into acceptable activities.
• Substitution: Replacing one thing with another.
• Suppression: consciously holding back unwanted urges.
• Symbolization: turning unwanted thoughts into metaphoric symbols.
• Trivializing: Making small what is really something big.
• Undoing: actions that psychologically 'undo' wrongdoings for the wrongdoer.

None of those are particularly positive, and here I am thinking I've got this all under control.

After trying to rationalize the actions of others in my life, I became more accepting of everything I had been through, as if to say it was all okay.  I knew deep down that I was only avoiding anything that would bring up all the emotions I had done such a good job of suppressing. I spent many years substituting things in my life trying to avoid the emotion, i.e; medication, which made it easier to be numb.  I remember hitting a milestone the first time I left a session and cried. I had finally felt something stir inside me, and although I was probably scaring any driver who was parked next to me at a stop light, it was the most liberating feeling I had ever experienced.  I never knew there was more than one way to cry.  I now know what Opr.ah means when she says " the ugly cry".  It was unprompted, unrelenting, and probably the most cleansing cry I had ever had.  I think I laughed afterwords because it felt good to cry.  I have only experienced this kind of cleansing cry a few times in my life, but I embrace them fully and almost wish I had them more often.  So here I am a self described non-emotional person, excited about crying.  Now people probably think I belong in a room with padded walls, but none the less I was happy to be so sad!

I was on an emotional roller coster for a while and then felt it was time to take a break.  Now I had a new "coping" skill. There is that word again.  This time I decide that I am going to allow myself to deal with things as they come, I am a new woman.  Slowly some of the things from my past began to creep in and since they weren't things from my present I figured it would be better if I just repress them, I was still in denial. Months went by and I did not return to therapy, I was dealing with the things that were happening and felt that I could do this on my own.

October 15, the day I gave birth to my stillborn son.  By far the most traumatic thing that had ever happened to me, every coping mechanism I had trying to fill that void. Nothing worked. I knew what had to be done, and it was time to return to what had helped me get so far.  I have been blessed to have such an amazing Christian man to talk through all of my "junk" with.  I always feel better after I leave, sometimes it takes me a few sessions to really get out what it is I'm really feeling.  I began going and the first few sessions were mostly factual statements about what had happened and a few moments of silence and tears.  My body was back to it's old ways, trying to suppress what had happened to make it more manageable.  Holidays came and I didn't get back in there for over a month.  I had made excuses to avoid going so that I didn't have to deal with the reality that my son was dead, or the reality that I wasn't exactly trusting God.  Here I am playing the God walked out on me card again.  Why would He allow something like this to happen?  After all I had been through, why this?  My anger, confusion, frustration, and sadness was more than I could bare and I knew that I had to deal with it all eventually.  All though sometimes I feel like my head could just spin right of with all the conflicting messages my mind and my body seem to battle over, one thing remains the same God loves me, He is walking through this with me.  He knows i'm screaming in the other room and He came to my rescue.  He's teaching me other ways to deal with my conflict.