Christmas blues in different hues

    The last few days I haven't been feeling very joyful.  This is usually my favorite time of year, and I'm finding it difficult to come around this year.  Christmas is approaching like a bullet train, and I feel like I might just step out onto the tracks and see if it takes me to some place far less depressing.  I thought I was trucking along just fine.  I managed to get  my tree up and throw a few decorations around the house, mostly for my children.  I didn't do a Christmas card this year, just didn't know what to write really.  "Merry christmas from our family to yours,  hope you had a better year than us." Not exactly joyous.  I find myself stuck in longer lines at the checkout anywhere I go, which is usually behind a mom with a newborn.  As much as I want to look over and drool all over their baby, I fear I may turn into a sobbing mess and ramble on about how unfair it is that my baby isn't here and all I have is a box that sits in the back of my closet.

    Every time I have been asked what I want for Christmas I draw a blank.  Everything I was going to ask for this year was going to be for the baby.  The only thing I want for Christmas is him.  I know that is one gift santa can't deliver.  Christmas morning will be hard as I watch my children open their presents, I will likely be thinking about the one that isn't here.  I feel awful about that.  I am so thankful for the blessings that I have in my children.  I just can't help but feel like a part of them, of me is missing.

    I have been avoiding my mailbox like the plague, I knew it would be inundated with Christmas cards, some from families with new babies, everyone looking so happy.  I wasn't ready for that.  I decided that I may want to check my mail incase there are any checks in there.  Although more likely that there would be bills I needed to pay.  So grudgingly I opened it, and as I anticipated, packed to the brim were beautiful gold foil laced envelopes adorned with holiday address labels.  Each one made out with such love.  I grabbed a circular flyer and shoved the cards in between two of the pages and threw them in my purse.  Then I grabbed a large yellow package out that was addressed to me.  Not quite sure what was inside I hesitated to open it.  I placed it on the counter, put away a few things and then came back to it.  I began to open the package and about two seconds later realized what it was.  My heart smiled.  I had forgotten all about it.  Tucked inside the package was a beautiful ornament that Kelly from sufficient grace had sent.  It was perfect, and beautiful and lifted my spirits.  I wish I was placing a gift under the tree for my baby boy, rather than an ornament on the tree to remember him by.  I can't help but feel like this is the first of many years that Christmas will be different for me.  I will need to find new ways to be joyful during this season.  Remembering the real meaning of Christmas, and that my son is spending his first Christmas with Him.

As for the ornament, It found it's home on my tree.............

Feeling my spirit slightly lifted I decided to go out an about back into the real world that continues to go on even though mine is full of brokenness. I was hoping for a little bit of inspiration, due to my feeling slightly forgotten by God.  And there it was painted in the sky, His promise.   I rejoiced in this because He is good, ALWAYS.  This day is shaping up to be much more than I thought it could.  I even found a little joy in it.  And a promise that is never forgotten.

        

Just like the day I gave birth to Nathan, He reminded me of his promise then too....

(sorry for the quality taken with moms camera phone; taken on 10/15/09 the day he was born from my hospital room)

I will never forget His promise, or that He is there even when I don't think He is.  He reminds me of this often.  I am learning how to have joy all over again.  Learning to be thankful for the things that aren't seen, but felt.  And for the fact that my son, although I miss him with every ounce of my being, is spending Christmas with Him.

Wishing all of you a blessed season....