He's gone

I can still remember the expression on her face. I could see the reflection of the screen in her eyes as she went from concerned to scared.  I could hear her voice crack as she told me the words that would change me for the rest of my life.  I remember the feeling of complete helplessness.  And then....

He's gone.

I looked over my shoulder to see.  He wasn't moving.  No heartbeat.  My body started to shake uncontrollably and the tears fell with no effort at all.  It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming hysterically. I walked through the office in a daze, waiting, waiting for a different answer.  Waiting for the same answer.  He confirms.  This time I don't look.  A quiet moan escapes with my breath.  I could hear my tears hitting the paper as I lay on the table...

He's gone.

I can still smell the bleach from the linens on the hospital bed, and the faint sound of a baby's heartbeat in another room through the thin walls.  I looked at him and his face was sullen.  An expression I had never seen him make.  I ached.  He held my hand and I wanted to give him something in return.  I can't.

He's gone.


I can hear them whispering outside my door.  One by one they came, calloused by a loss they have seen many times before. And then there was one, she pulled her glasses down from her eyes and looked into mine. " I lost one too, he was four."  She understood.  The hurt doesn't leave.  "Can I pray for you?"  I nodded, she prayed.  Peace came, but for a moment.

He's gone.


"Can I go home?" More tests, more blood, more paperwork.  "Now?" They agreed, we left.  I wanted so much for this to be a dream.  I wanted to wake up and everything still be as it was before the diagnoses. I could still feel him moving, but it was just my body.  My body already trying to reject him, my baby.  I kept rubbing my belly to comfort him, then stopped.

He's gone.


No sleep.  I felt weak and scared.  I felt hopeless and responsible.  I didn't protect him, I couldn't protect him.  If I had known I would have reached into my womb and untangled him.  That kick I felt just days before, was that a struggle.  Did he suffer?  Did he?  I collapsed to the floor overcome with grief.  "It's time to go" he calls for me.  I don't want to go. I don't want to let go.  God, why? GOD? Nothing.  Nothing but my own thoughts.  Where are you? God, please.  PLEASE....


HE's gone.


Gown, I.V, more paperwork.  No monitor.  No pink and blue strapped monitor.  Nothing to monitor.


He's gone


Labor, thirty-one hours.  Not long enough.  I'm not ready.  I can't let go yet.  He's out, and there is no cry but my own.  I look at him and his face looks sullen.  He won't look at anything but me.  Tears escape his eyes as he tries to be strong for me.  They return and hand him the baby.  He brings him to me.  I look and I am overcome with love.  My son, I am in love.  I never got to say hello, and now I say goodbye. Too small, too soon, too late, now complete.  He's complete and I'm broken.  I wanted to go with him, for a brief moment.  A part of me did.


He's gone


Empty arms returning home.  Emptiness is all i felt.  God . I need You more now then ever before.   Are You there? I was filled with despair and rage.  I wanted to throw something and hear it shatter.  I wanted to hear the sound of my heartbreaking.  Then exhaustion.  I finally hit a wall and slept. Days of sleeping, I could dream of him, he was safe with me.  Then I wake..

He's gone

Weeks pass and the pain weakens and then intensifies.  I feel like I'm going out of my mind, no control, none.  Numb, sadness, despair, anger, rage,  hopeless, depressed and repeat.  Long pauses between prayers, not sure what to say.  What I asked for He didn't give me, so what do I ask for now?  Peace.


He's gone


Then one by one they come into my life.  One by one He sends me what I need.  I haven't let go of him yet.  I need to let go of him and let God do the rest.  I keep holding onto the thought of him coming back to me.  I keep thinking I will wake up and it will all have been a dream.  The longest most intense, painful dream of my life.  But alas, I'm awake and it's not a dream.  I'm letting go now, but not of his memory.  I'm letting go now.  I love you my dear sweet Nathan.  You grew within my womb and I felt you there.  You don't live outside my womb for I met you there.  You went home with Jesus and you live there.  Forever in my heart, you'll be there.



He's Home