God given

I think for most people, there is a moment when you realize...

     Life will never be the same.

      For me that moment came this morning while I tried to move about the hustle and bustle of my housework.  I was elbow deep in dirty dish water and as a pan splashed water up over the top of the sink soaking my oversized sweater, I looked down and realized, there should be a barrier between me and the sink.  A big round belly with a sweet baby nestled inside.  I often thought about how I was going to manage two kids, house work and a career during my third trimester.  With my other two I was quite large and found it more difficult to do the day to day tasks.  I didn't see this as a burden but as a blessing.  I very much wanted to have another baby, my husband wasn't so sure.  But to our surprise, we found out we were expecting in June.  I can say from the beginning EVERYTHING about this pregnancy was different.  I found that my morning sickness was worse than anything I had ever experienced, and for that fact I thought for sure I was having a girl.  I had some issues with my gallbladder, suffered from migraines, and even had an injury to my foot which left me on crutches for two weeks.  I thought there wasn't much else that could go wrong this pregnancy.

      Hearing the doctor say words I never thought i'd hear, I wondered if I had known all along that this pregnancy would not end well.  If somewhere deep down inside my soul knew what my mind could barely comprehend and my mouth couldn't speak.  There was much debate up to the point that we had found out he had gone to heaven about what we would name him if we were to have a boy.  For the life of me I could not agree on any name my husband suggested.  The night we found out that we would not be bringing home a bundle of joy in February, but rather signing a release for a funeral home, we decided we should have a name incase it's a boy.  I scanned down the list of names that we had not discussed and there it was, as if it was written in bold red ink, NATHAN.  I said that's it, that's his name.  I immediately looked up the meaning, and read it out loud, "God has given" I knew instantly that should  be the name for our son.  When the nurse had returned with him she said "it's a boy" I think for a moment I smiled.  I knew that this was meant to be.

      After the immediate shock of him being gone began to settle, denial and resentment crept in.  Why would God give, only to take away.  I could not wrap my head around this at all.  I sat on this for a while trying to reconcile the loss.  The peace that surpassed all understanding comforted me in this place.  He was with me in this place.  I had not been so close for so long.  My walk was really more of a crawl, or I was just sitting still.  I talked about my faith, but didn't feel connected at all.  I conceded that my walk was not where it should be and the disconnect was ever present.  I prayed for God to make his presence known to me so that I may find my way back to the path He had me on.  I began to meet some amazing woman who too have lost.  But none of them more God sent than my amazing "S".  She has become one of my favorite people.  Our losses, a mere two weeks apart and our distance spans states.  Her and I have created a bond like none other and have leaned on each other with understanding and compassion.  I know that these are the ways He shows me His love.  That I am not alone on this journey.  That I will one day see my precious Nathan again.      

      As I am rummaging through a pile of clothes trying to find something to replace the soaked oversize sweater, I grab a maternity shirt, that would probably have been too small to wear if I were still pregnant.  I slid it over my head, and adjusted it around my midsection.  It was too big.  I placed my hand on my stomach and relived his short life that he spent in my womb.  I thought about the baby I would never rock to sleep.  I would never watch walk, or hear say mama.  I knew in this moment that my life would never be the same.  That I should not take the moments I have for granted.  I returned back to the sink to finish washing the pot and I hummed a little lullaby for my son.  God had sent him to me.  I am thankful for the moments I had and for what my life will be since God had given him to me.